“Grief is the price we pay for love”, so eloquently said by the late Queen Elizabeth II. Whether it’s your own grief, or a parent grieving a partner of many years, no two people experience it the same way. Grief changes constantly and rarely follows any order you’d expect.
This guide looks at what grief might involve, and practical ways of coping with it. It also covers where to find support, of which there is a wide range, and so worth considering if you need more than time alone.
What is grief?
Grief is the natural response to losing someone close to you, and it looks different for everyone. It can bring sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, or even relief, sometimes all at once.
Many people find the weeks before and immediately after a funeral are, oddly, the more manageable ones, since there’s simply so much to organise. It’s often during the months afterwards that grief hits hardest. Perhaps as life returns “to normal” for family and friends, and the intensity of the immediate admin declines; and of course as the harsh reality of life without a loved one starts to present itself.
This can be particularly true for a wife/husband or partner left on their own after possibly decades together. And perhaps when the individual roles were very clearly marked and the one left has to start to adapt not only to life alone, but a different way of living.
Good support in those early days makes a real difference, as one reader found:
The undertaker was fantastic, leading Dad through all the paperwork around Mum’s death and the practicalities of the funeral with tact, kindness and always with an eye on the detail.
Our guide to what to do when someone dies covers the first practical steps, from registering the death to contacting a funeral director.
Stages of grief
You may have heard of the “five stages of grief” – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – but in reality, grief rarely moves through neat stages in order. It’s far more common to move back and forth between different feelings, sometimes even within the space of one day.
Bereavement specialist and psychotherapist Julia Samuel OBE, author of Grief Works, describes older people facing multiple losses in close succession as “swimming in grief”: something that becomes more common with age, as friends and family members die more frequently. Her 8 Pillars of Strength framework is a widely used way of understanding what actually helps people cope.
There’s also the British stiff upper lip to contend with, which can make it hard to even talk about what’s happened, particularly for older generations. It’s served us well for most things, but not this. Talking, awkward as it feels, tends to help far more than staying quiet.
Coping with grief
There’s no single way to cope with grief, but a few things genuinely help.
Looking through old photos, or simply talking about happy memories, is one of them. It might feel odd at first to find yourself smiling or even laughing at a memory of someone you’ve just lost. Most families find that’s not a betrayal of the person, but a healing part of the grief process.
Grief isn’t only emotional – it can affect the body too. In the weeks after a bereavement, a rush of stress hormones can put real strain on the heart. It’s sometimes called “broken heart syndrome” (or Takotsubo cardiomyopathy), and the British Heart Foundation says it affects around 5,000 people in the UK every year. Most people recover completely, but it’s a good reminder to take physical symptoms seriously in those early weeks, not just the emotional ones.
It’s also worth keeping an eye out for depression, which can look like grief from the outside. If the sadness never seems to lift, or you or your loved one find yourself losing interest in things you’d normally enjoy, it’s worth talking to a GP. Our interview with GP Dr Alex Bailey covers the signs to look out for in more detail.
Getting support
However you’re dealing with grief and loss, support is available:
- Cruse Bereavement Support – national helpline and local groups, though some areas do have waiting lists
- Samaritans – someone to talk to, any time, day or night
- Your GP – can point you toward local bereavement counselling
- Local hospices – many run outreach services, such as a monthly coffee morning, open to anyone in the community who’s grieving
- Independent Age – offers a free “Coping with Bereavement” guide, available as a download, printed copy or audio version, plus a telephone friendship service if you’d like more regular contact
- Ataloss.org – not a helpline itself, but a directory that helps you find one. Tell it roughly where you are, who you’ve lost, and how, and it points you to services that match your specific situation
These organisations can be especially useful for anyone who can’t talk to friends or family about how they’re feeling.
Our guide to bereavement support has a fuller list of helplines, counselling services and local support groups.
Overcoming grief
For some, the first year is the hardest. For others, it’s the second or third, once the shock has properly worn off. Either way, life does tend to move forward again eventually, even if that feels impossible right now. Often, it’s through small things – picking up an old hobby or finding something entirely new – that grief starts to feel more manageable.
Alongside the emotional side, there are usually practical things to work through too:
- Who’s managing the household bills and admin now?
- Would extra help – a cleaner, gardener, or meal delivery service – make day-to-day life easier?
- Do any official documents need updating, such as a will, power of attorney, or the deeds to a house?
- Is transport still manageable, or does that need rethinking?
- Is there a plan in place if a surviving parent’s own health or capacity changes?
- Is there a decision to make about where they’ll live now: staying put, downsizing, or moving closer to family?
- Building a different life. This might mean taking on tasks or decisions the other person always handled, finding new routines, or simply working out who you are outside of that relationship.
Sorting through clothes and possessions is its own, often emotional, task. There is no time limit to this – some people do it very quickly and others never quite get around to it. Some families pass things on to relatives; others sell items online, with proceeds going to charity, or donate to a cause the person cared about. If you’re giving things to a charity shop, it’s sometimes easier to choose one a town or two away, rather than risk seeing a parent’s favourite coat on a neighbour in the local supermarket. Jewellery can be remodelled rather than left in a drawer, and if the house is full of mobility aids the NHS won’t take back, charities often will.
Grief doesn’t really have an end point. It tends to become something you get used to, rather than something that disappears. In time, most people find they can remember the person they’ve lost with more warmth than pain.
7 critical steps I took to deal with my dad’s death | A first-person account from someone who’s been through it, including practical and emotional lessons from losing a father, in their own words.
