Roey Burden, 92, lives on her own in a “lovely” rental flat in London. Her daughters Robyn Steer and Tessa Firmin are both in their 60’s.
Robyn is married to Andrew and they live in Buckinghamshire. They have two children aged 28 and 30. Tessa and her husband Chris live in Essex. They have three children, twins aged 31 and a 33-year-old.
Roey lived in central London with her late husband Tony, who died in 2016 at the age of 93, in a care home, having been diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer’s.
We asked Roey, Robyn and Tessa about how their family tackles those sometimes tricky subjects.
When did you start having conversations about getting older and the way life might shape up?
Roey: We were all on a family holiday and they sat Tony and I down, round the table and said: “You’ve got to sell the house.”
We didn’t have the money to continue maintaining it, so, it was rentals from then on.
I’m fairly philosophical about these things. It upset Tony more, but that was because he had dementia coming. It hadn’t been diagnosed, but it was coming. And as we know, people with dementia like to keep their routine and the same place and everything like that.
We’ve put together a list of 10 early signs of dementia for you to look out for, and some specific symptoms you can monitor.
How did you start having conversations about care?
Robyn: Well, we used to go on lovely family holidays every year with Mum and Dad, Tess, Chris, and their kids and us and our kids. From my perspective, I remember it sort of just cropped up and we were chatting.
Chris is in the financial industry and had been speaking to Mum and Dad about their finances for a while. And Chris gave them some advice and – I have to be honest – you decided not to follow all of it, Mum, but that’s absolutely your prerogative! So, after that had happened, I think you then looked into selling the house quite quickly, didn’t you?
Roey: Yes, we did it straight away!
Did Tony’s condition mean you needed to have other conversations?
Robyn: I think, because mum is and always has been VERY practical – I’m not going to say not emotional, but she does have a very practical sense of what is best – sometimes, she needs a little bit of persuasion, or herding in the right direction, but she is a person that is certainly open to discussion. I get reports from my friends that their parents, who are in their eighties or nineties, won’t even talk about selling the family home. Mum was very open to what she had to do and what was best and most practical to keep her living independently for as long as possible. And especially after Daddy went into the care home, Mum was very open to what she had to do and what was best and most practical to keep her living independently for as long as possible.
Have you had legal and financial conversations, too?
Roey: Yes. All done! When Tony first went into the home we got power of attorney sorted because of his diminishing capabilities. So, yes, that was done and the wills were all done again. I think we are quite organised as well. And the tragedy is, a lot of people leave it too late. It was the care home that said, have you got a power of attorney? And I said: “What’s that?”
Anyway, we quickly did it. He couldn’t sign at that point, but they accepted a cross.
Find out everything you need to know about each type of power of attorney, how to set them up – and what happens if there isn't one in our helpful guide.
What would you say to people, daughters or sons, who are struggling even to make the first move on these conversations?
Robyn: I am saying to friends right now to get a power of attorney in place for themselves and I think six of them have now done that. We’ve talked about it quite openly. Some of them are not yet 60, but most of them are early to mid 60s. Get your will done, and obviously power of attorney as well. I don’t know whether it’s a British thing but I think people do not like talking about death.
I also talk to my friends about the potential for reducing inheritance tax. When mum and dad sold their main residence in 2007, they gifted a sum of money to Tessa and me at that time, to mitigate inheritance tax. But I think a lot of people, if they have certain amount of money, if they do something like that, they can’t see the benefit. They think it’s a loss of control.*
Tessa: Mum, you’re very good in the teasing that you take from the grandchildren, when the girls say: “Oh, can I see which rings I might like?” But that’s how you have always conducted yourself.
And, you know, I think it’s made it easier for them as well. I suppose death has always been something that we haven’t shied away from.
Trust is a massive thing as well. And there are a lot of families that simply don’t have a good relationship, a trusting relationship.
And that doesn’t mean to say that we’re perfect as a family. We’ve had our ups and downs, we’ve had our arguments along the way, we’ve had our disagreements. But there has always been, and will be going forward, an element of strong trust that, whatever happens, we would look after Mum and obviously Dad if he’d been around.
But, you know, Daddy was in a lovely care home and he was very well cared for.
Robyn: No, we couldn’t have done any more, and I think by him going into the care home, as Tess said, he was looked after a fantastically well by lovely people and we then could concentrate on looking after mum. And continue to!
*Please seek independent financial advice. Go to our financial hub for more help and advice with later life care.
Most families aren’t prepared for later life - and that can make a hard moment even harder.
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